


Mr. Perfect

by D3athz_C4lling



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Banter, Comedy, Conference Meetings, Gen, Magic, Smart America, Swearing, spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 01:27:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10911495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D3athz_C4lling/pseuds/D3athz_C4lling
Summary: After another fail and fruitless meeting, some of the nations demand that England change America to act accordingly and proper. England does just that with a spell and now the world will be a better place right?…Right? Contains smart!America.





	Mr. Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something like this because I was saddened when in many of the fics I've read, America appears to be so stupid that I fear he'll forget to breathe! The only problem was, to say he is smart is one thing...but showing it was another.
> 
> Warning: It's in the summary, but I'll repeat it anyway: America will have an IQ of over 9000, and insults/swearing thrown left and right at some points.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

"Just once can you get your head out of your arse and say something that is worth the air you breathe in?"

"Ohhhhh!" The majority of the nations said in unison like a bunch of immature kids waiting for a fight to break out.

"Ain't it oblivious why I'm always the one talkin'? It's 'cause ya'll don't have any better ideas!"

England's eye twitched noticeably. "For the last time stop bastardizing my language! And the word you're looking for is 'obvious'. 'Oblivious' is what you are."

"Doth my English bug you, bumpkin?" America mocked, rolling his eyes. "You can't tell me what to do, 'cause I'm the hero!"

The gentleman knew the bloke was doing this on purpose just to irritate him…but it was working! "How preposterous! Only in your fat head you are,"

"How about I slap your shit, old man? Oh wait!" The blond feigned surprise as he looked at his wristwatch. "No wonder you're so pissy, it's tea sucking time for you!"

"You disrespectful twit!" he snapped.

America shot back with a simple "Mort!"

"Wanker!"

"Bimbo!"

"Twat!"

"Chode!"

The nations got a laugh out of that one. Except poor Italy, who had no idea what the word meant.

England sputtered before rebutting "You know damn well that no such thing exists!"

"You're right, should I go add it to the list next to unicorns and fairies?"

"OHHHHH!"

Not wanting the other to have the last word, the gentleman defended "They do exist! You're just too daft to see them,"

"Then chodes must also exist, 'cause one is talking to me right now!"

"…I dare you to call me that one more time…" England's voice was low and dark, having just about enough of this ridiculous argument.

"Oh ho, so it's a fight ya want, huh? Well bring it on, old man!" America challenged, making silly kung-fu noises as he got into what seemed to be the crane stance. This earned him a slap on the shoulder by China.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" A few bored nations started to chant – they needed some form of entertainment…

The older nation was about to barrel his way over to the American's seat and give him a piece of his mind when Germany finally decided to bring back some sanity into the meeting room.

"Stop this foolishness at once!" He accompanied the order with a thunderous slam of his fist onto the mahogany table. When the room finally grew quiet again, the German pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed exasperatingly for the umpteenth time. "Perhaps a-"

"Germany's right, dude! This meeting is now adjourned!" America spoke for him and was already putting on his bomber jacket. "And I won't accept any objections!" He laughed before charging out through the double doors.

Seeing as though it was hopeless to go on with the meeting, and figuring that everyone could use a break, the rest of the world started filing out of the meeting room as well.

A seething Englishman remained in his seat until he could compose himself and rose from his chair. He was just done putting away his papers when he felt a rough hand on his shoulder.

"Change him." Germany's request was short and simple.

Behind the taller blond, a small group of nations, also tired of the American's antics, were looking at the Brit as if expecting something out of him.

"What? Why do I-"

"You were the one who raised him, Angleterre, so of course it would be you who would be held responsible,"

"Although America-san can be quite…amusing at times," Japan was trying to put it lightly and not insult the other country. "We feel as though it has gone too far."

"You don't think I've already tried to change the git?" England spat, angry that their frustrations were being taken out on him instead of the actual nation who caused it.

Russia stepped up to the blond in front of the small group. He smiled at England with his eyes closed as he bent his steel pipe in whichever way until it looked like a pretzel. "I expect great things from you, comrade~" He then opened his eyes, cold violet orbs boring into England's own green ones before pointing at the misshapen pipe. "Or I'll do this to your legs."

And with that there was no room for argument, England knowing exactly what he had to do.

Still, what they were asking for was the impossible! He had a better chance of teaching a pig calculus than getting America to pay attention and act properly in a meeting.

The island nation had thought about strapping the idiot down, taping his eyes open, and forcing him to watch educational and social behavior videos until all the information sunk into his dense brain…but he knew what America was capable of.

He saw him and Russia arm wrestle once, neither of them giving way and the table beneath them cracking from the force. No winner was determined, however, because Germany came in and stopped them, telling the two that they had to pay for the damage done to the furniture.

So with physical force out of the question, he will have to resort to magic.

It was going to be a long night for England – being by himself in his basement with a black cloak, voodoo doll of America, and a spell book containing the "Spell of Enlightenment".

* * *

The next day another meeting was held, and England just couldn't wait to see the fruit of his labor. He wanted to see if America would actually make it on time and not keep everyone else waiting.

But before he stepped foot into the meeting room, he heard movement inside and saw who was the source of it.

America, of all people, beat him to the meeting room!

But what was more surprising was what he was doing. Instead of doodling on the board like he always would before their meetings started, the board was now filled with their agenda for the day. Every topic to be discussed was listed with their own time block along with an intermission.

He didn't know the spell took effect so quickly.

Observing him for a little longer from afar, he was flabbergasted when he saw America look toward one of the walls, an eyebrow raised.

The American, with his polished dress shoes and ironed dress shirt, ventured toward the wall to straighten a portrait that was hanging a bit lopsidedly!

The island nation couldn't believe what he just saw. Not only was America prompt, but neat as well? England had to get a better look at this, and so entered the conference room as silently as possible.

As it turned out, however, stealth wasn't needed, for the taller blond was too busy looking through his files that he didn't notice the other man at the other end of the table until he took his seat. "Oh, good morning, England." America said calmly before returning his attention back to his papers.

"Uh…good morning…"

_Yes!_

His spell actually worked! Not that they ever failed but…this one was by _far_ the one that yielded the most and best results.

He then saw that America was placing a syllabus for each nation in front of their chair. Wanting to look busy himself, England began setting up his own papers for the meeting.

It wasn't until a quarter-hour later that the other nations began to file in, taking their respective seats. Not a minute pass the scheduled start of the meeting did America go up in front of his audience.

"Good morning, everyone, and thank you for coming to this summit on time. As you may have noticed, I have taken the liberty of organizing today's discussion, and presented it to you in the form of a timetable in front of you. You may also view this schedule on the board as an alternative."

Although majority of the nations were present, a few stragglers who came later were stunned to see that the meeting actually started on time, and that America of all nations had made it start promptly.

"Now, without further ado, let's start this meeting, shall we?" he announced before presenting his PowerPoint. Although the superpower may not have noticed it as he was speaking, the room was unusually quiet, quizzical glances thrown all around as the majority of the world wondered – what happened to America?

"Ve, Germany, who's that guy that looks like America? And why is he so serious?" Italy badgered the blond next to him.

"…" The German couldn't quite pay attention to the question thrown at him, gawking at this "new-and-improved" nation. "Mein gott…he actually did it…"

"My, my, what have you done to our Amerique?" France asked amusedly to the island nation next to him.

"Only what you blokes wanted me to do – change him," England replied proudly.

"And how in the world did you manage that? Threaten him with your horrible cooking?"

"Magic, you twit. And there is nothing wrong with my cooking! You just have bad taste, wine bastard,"

"Well, if your magic can do that," he nodded toward the direction of the speaking American nation. "Then surely there is a spell that can make your food not taste like-"

"For the last time my food does not taste like SHIT!"

The French nation feigned surprise. "Why mon cheri, I never intended to say that; don't put such filthy words in my mouth,"

"Ha! I'm sure far worse things have been in there-"

"France, England, is there something the two of you would like to share with the rest of us?" Unlike Germany, America didn't yell at the two countries. But his stern and projected voice brought on a heavy silence all the same.

All eyes fell on the two European nations.

"I will not tolerate such boorish behavior in this meeting. Please either take the fight outside or act like the nations you represent with decency."

"My apologies," France said quickly, still not quite believing what he just heard.

"…Sorry…" England said curtly, glaring at his papers.

America pushed up his glasses with two fingers and sighed before chiding "Honestly, England, I expected better from you. How could you stoop so low as to respond to France's taunts?"

England felt it, the burning shame at what the other nations were thinking: he just got busted by the once-renowned idiot nation. However, he still couldn't believe what the other just said about his behavior.

_Boorish? Where did he pick that word up from?_

The situation surprised more than embarrassed him actually.

"Now, where was I?" America turned to face the board. "Ah yes, now that the logistics have been covered and explained, let's move onto the first topic of the meeting – global warming."

"Oh, here we go," the island nation heard someone whisper to the country next to him. "I bet this is all a joke!"

"For this issue, there are a number of ways I would like to approach it-"

"Let me guess – build a giant robot to block out the sun?" another snarked.

This was followed by a few giggles and jeers from fellow nations.

With his lips pursed and eyes on the blond country in front, England was beginning to think that the spell has reached its limits.

The American merely blinked a few times, his head tilting slightly in confusion. "What? No, there are several flaws with that idea," he started. "For one, there aren't enough resources on the earth to construct something that massive; in fact, not that many resources should even be invested in it. Additionally, the idea of completely blocking the sun's rays isn't a good one. If the robot was built, the shadow from it would cause many areas to be cold and dark twenty-four seven."

Nothing but silence remained in the room after America's explanation, so the blond took it as a sign to continue. "Although technology may have been the cause of our predicament, it can also be the solution. As you all already know, solar energy is already in use, but not used enough. There are obvious limitations to this alternative energy source. However, if we can find a way to store solar power in some sort of battery or generator, this will allow use of it during the nighttime." After just a small pause, he turned to change a slide on his PowerPoint. "This is only one possible solution; the next one I would like to cover is…"

For the next ten minutes it was only America's voice heard throughout the conference room. No one dared to speak up, many of them wondering if they just entered the twilight zone while a handful couldn't believe that their wish was granted, and that England was actually able to change the idiot nation.

"I would also like to believe that the key lies in sustainability. Every structure built should meet energy-efficient standards as listed here," America began to pass out a small pamphlet with all the guidelines.

Flipping through it, England didn't even register what the other was saying, too concentrated on the diagrams and text. This was neither a comic book nor a bunch of doodles – they were real architectural blueprints with specifications on energy consumption on the side.

"But the most important thing is to keep our heads up and stay optimistic."

The nations were dumb-struck at what had happened and nodded their heads slowly in agreement, still trying to process what was just said.

"Thank you for your time and cooperation," The speaking nation bowed slightly before stepping down, offering the floor to his wary brother, Canada.

The rest of the meeting proceeded smoothly…formally.

 _What just happened?_  Was the thought going through majority of the world's minds as the meeting concluded, all of them taking one last glance back at the blond "idiot" before he packed his things and quietly left the room.

As England was cleaning up his area, filing the packets of information America handed out earlier, he heard footsteps approach him.

"Most impressive, England," he heard Germany say from behind.

"Why thank you," the island nation turned around. "Now I think-"

"This…This is just a fluke, bastardo!" Romano piped up from behind the German, his brother having dragged him over to the group. "Watch, he'll be his stupid self next time,"

"This is nothing short of a miracle, England-san. But exactly how long will American-san behave like this?" Japan voiced his concern.

The blond island nation couldn't help but smirk. They finally acknowledged his skills in the dark arts! "However long you would like him to."

And so, it was back to the basement to reapply the Spell of Enlightenment.

* * *

The next meeting was a repeat of the previous one.

America had beaten him to the conference room and was writing the schedule on the board. The pamphlets were already on the table. The superpower only gave him a casual greeting before shuffling notes and papers on his desk area and making sure his PowerPoint worked.

_Yes!_

England inwardly cheered. The spell had worked once again! And once again, the meeting proceeded promptly, some of the nations thoroughly freaked out now that America was behaving like this for the second time in a row.

The topic of discussion this time was obesity, and seeing as though England had a lot to say about this one, he volunteered to speak first. "Due to the increasing availability of fast food and alarming rate of obesity in some countries," He gave an accusing look at America, as did the other nations. "I suggest that we ban fast and junk food in certain areas of each nation,"

There was a murmur of agreement from the nations before a certain blond raised his hand.

"If I may interject for a moment," America looked to Germany for approval, to which he received permission to continue. "I'm sorry to say, but I am not liking the prospect of your proposal, England."

 _Of course…_ everyone thought.

"This is gonna be good…" Romano muttered loudly enough for most to hear.

America simply cocked an eyebrow and asked "How do you know if it's going to be good or not when you didn't even hear it yet?"

"…" was all Romano had to say. He didn't expect that sort of retort coming from the American.

Instead of saying how awesome the food was, the blond nation was approaching the issue logically. "I believe it's rather harsh to completely get rid of junk food, but how about placing a higher tax on these items? It'll deter people from buying them and at the same time will still allow them to purchase it if they're willing to pay,"

The silence after America's comments was becoming more commonplace.

"Ahem…that is a valid idea, America…danke,"

"You are very welcome," he replied politely.

Awkwardly, England sat back down. Did he…just get beaten by America… _America_ …in a debate? The Spell of Enlightenment was working exceedingly well that he didn't know if he should be proud or ashamed of himself after what happened.

The meeting ended promptly and peacefully for the second time, and it continued to for the next few conferences. By then, word of how it was England who transformed America into a formal and sophisticated nation at last reached everyone's ears. Many went up to the island nation and expressed their thanks, enjoying the tranquility even if it was a bit awkward at first.

England was all but proud of himself for what he's done. In fact, in a public display of what America was now capable of, the gentleman went up to the blond and proposed they play a game of chess during the intermission of one of the meetings.

At first the younger nation scratched the back of his head, looking a bit abashed. "Oh my…to be honest, I haven't played in a very long time,"

"I understand, lad. After losing so many times to me, it only makes sense not to try anymore, correct?" he prodded the other in hopes of provoking him.

The superpower took the bait.

"Very well, let's make this a good show," America said, and the two sat down across from each other at the conference table, chessboard between them and spectating nations around them.

Some were already placing bets.

"America, is like, totally gonna lose this one, guys,"

"We don't know that yet…we should have more faith in Mr. America,"

"Come on lucky coins; don't fail me now, aru,"

As the game progressed, England couldn't help but reminiscent on how the old America would whine about how it was an old person's game and throw a tantrum, knocking the pieces over when he was about to lose. He remembered-

"Checkmate."

"…What…?"

"OOHHHHHH!" The nations around them cheered, some awed by the outcome while others were demanding their money for winning the bet.

"What!" England said again, gawking at the chessboard. It took him a second, but upon retrospect he now saw that America had indeed cleverly trapped his king. He didn't even see it coming!

"That was a good game, England. I see you are as sharp as ever," The blond commented and smiled kindly, extending his hand.

Not wanting to look like a poor sport, the gentleman took the hand and shook it rigidly, still sour and confused. That was the quickest game of chess he had ever lost to anyone. Sure, the possibility of the new America beating him existed…but he had expected the outcome leaning more toward a really close game – with him winning in the end. A quick and utter checkmate never crossed his mind.

"I think this move you made here was not the wisest…" the other nation began to explain when the Englishman started to slip up.

It was at that moment when a thought finally occurred to him – was there such a thing as making America _too_ smart…?

The answer to that thought soon came to him a few weeks later. It was yet another productive meeting, and as it ended on time, England tiredly gathered his notes and handouts.

There was something about the new routine and promptness that didn't feel right…

He was just about to push in his chair when a firm hand grasped his right shoulder.

"Change him back." Germany ordered.

"What? I thought you were all happy with this America?"

At this the group behind the German, including the strict blond himself, looked away.

"Yes, well-"

"He's making us look like idiots, idiot!" Romano voiced what everyone was too embarrassed to admit.

"England-san, I am sure you share our concern as well, don't you? Please do us this one last favor," Japan bowed deeply.

"It's not that easy to reverse the spell!" England defended himself. "I'll need to-"

"KOLKOLKOL!" Russia appeared next to Germany, once again holding up a metal pretzel.

"Okay, okay!" the island nation was convinced, heading straight for his basement. He really didn't want to admit it, but the others were right. He was tired of America outsmarting them at every turn, hurting their self-esteem. And so with much effort, that night he lifted the spell.

* * *

England never once thought that he would be looking forward to a meeting. But as one finally appeared a week and a half later, he quickly went to the conference room and waited for the "reverted" nation. To his dismay, the blond was already there. The board had the day's schedule and the projector showed America's presentation.

"Greetings, England. Isn't it a lovely day to hold a conference?"

"No…" England muttered to himself, shaking his head in disbelief. The spell was still in effect!

_How is this happening? I've done everything the book told me to…_

The other blond seemed confused by the answer he received, cocking an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"It's nothing…" he responded, head hung low.

Not only will his legs be turned into a pretzel, but the world has lost its idiotic American…forever.

"I just want the old America back…" The island nation said more to himself than the other person in the room.

"I'm sorry, but who is this 'old America' you speak of?" the taller nation asked, now more confused than ever.

England shook his head miserably. "I'm sorry…I never should've changed you…"

America's eyes widened a bit, pity swimming in them. "Oh England, it's-" He coughed into his fist.

The action caused the island nation to look up at the blond.

"I-It's…buhuhu…"

"…Ha…?"

He couldn't hold it in any longer.

"BUAHAHAHAHA!" America laughed and laughed. He laughed so hard it looked like he didn't know what to do with himself, at first banging his head against the table, but then slumping to the floor.

As this all played out in front of him, England could only gape like a fish. "What?"

The sound of the blond's boisterous laughter continued to bounce around the empty conference room as America rolled around on the carpet floor, grabbing his side and wheezing. When his hysterical fit looked like it finally past, he righted himself up, wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh man, never in a million years would I have guessed you'd say that!"

"Just what the bloody fuck is going on? My spell-"

"Spell? What spell?" America cut right into his sentence. "I was just acting and playing along the whole time~" He readjusted his glasses that were askew on his face after the laughing fit. "Your spell didn't work, dude – it never does!" After a bit of guffawing he continued "I didn't know it would be so soon that everyone would get sick of the smart me! HAHAHA!"

"…" The gentleman was at a loss for words.

Seeing as though England still appeared dumbstruck and affronted, and with the knowledge that the world would rather have him stupid, America thought this was an appropriate time to take his leave. "I'm back, baby!" He hollered with a fist pump. The blond then proceeded to moonwalk toward the double doors, spinning around three times and finishing with a crotch grab and high pitched "OW!"…Right in front of Sealand, who was hoping to sneak into the world conference.

"Papa! Mama! Help!" The child ran down the hall with lightning speed, clearly traumatized.

America gawked at the fleeing micronation, hand still on his crotch. "…That wasn't supposed to happen…Gee, ain't I a stinker?" he giggled to himself before looking back at the still-bewildered English nation. "By the way, this is so sad coming from me, but wanting the ol' US of A to 'grow a brain'? That is the DUMBEST idea I've ever heard! HAHAHAHA!"

**Author's Note:**

> I am not going to lie - I just love writing America's lines; I wanted him to snark rather than take in the insults thrown at him with a pout. XD If you've made it this far, I bow down to you OTL. Thank you for reading it to this point!


End file.
